My weekend of vomit:

The final quote in my Kerouac post (see previous) relates to my inability to maintain any real level of decency and composure while inebriated. Because of this, I am swearing off alcohol until further mention for fear that it is impacting my life in too many adverse ways. Too many nights have been spent trapped at foreign locations unable to drive, and too many mornings have been wasted stuck in a haze from the previous night. Furthermore, at this point I feel I have insulted my dignity quite enough recently.

Though I've pondered these feelings for a while, it was not until a most-memorable (though impossible to recall) drunken episode two weekends ago that I feel my imbibing reached a dangerous limit and forced its own cessation.

So, in order to have the last laugh at my own idiocy, here is the full copy of an email I sent my friends to relate the previous night's indecency.

"I am my own hero"


A story:

Last night my friend had a big party at his house, and my other friend and I really wanted to get our younger brothers there since we had never partied with them before. Naturally, it took a little coaxing to get them to come out, at which point we had been drinking for two or three hours. They come, it's great, high fives all around, and we start drinking. Being inexperienced drinkers, they aren't too high on beer, and requested their alcoholic beverage in shot form. In a great display of conviviality, I take some shots with them. Three shots of Jose Cuervo thusly dispatched to my belly, it is time for fun to be had. It is had. It is also important to mention that at some point in this succession of tequila shots, I decided that beginning a game of Wizard Staff would be great fun. So there I was, three shots and at least eight beers into a night, beginning a friendly game of Staff.

Predictably, the going was tough given my advanced state of inebriation, and it took quite a lot of trying to get to even Level Four (which, as you all know, is only minimal spell casting power).

So here's where things get interesting.

As I would discover this morning, at some point I blacked out. I remember stumbling (I actually fell at one point) upstairs to puke in the upstairs bathroom. I also eventually remembered that at some point in this purging episode I fell back into the bathtub, taking down the entire towel curtain, rod, and rack of shampoos with me as I banged my head on the wall. I'm pretty sure I made some effort to remedy the situation, but I have not yet confirmed this.

From what I can gather, after this I stumbled back downstairs to find that my brother and his friend were getting a ride back home, and it seemed to be a good idea to go with them. We went outside to the car, and they waited while I detoured to a stand of bushes and a large tree in order to deposit the contents of my stomach. Puking temporarily over, we get in the car, I roll down the window, and I ride the whole way with my head hanging out like a dog.

My brother and I got out of the car at our house and started to go inside, when, now that we were in the light of the front porch, he goes, "Oh, Mike, you puked on yourself too?" Not knowing what he was talking about, I took a gander at my shoulder, and, sure enough, it was covered in vomit. "Oh yeah, I guess so," I replied. Evidently I must have puked out the window of the car while riding, and the wind blew it all back onto me. I have yet to ask the condition of the car I was riding in.

At home, I went to my room, stripped off soiled articles of clothing, and passed out in my bed.

In the morning, I woke up and went back to my friend's house to reclaim my car, which involved driving it through his backyard and around the house, as I was blocked in in the driveway. On the ride over, I asked my brother about the night.

Me: "So I set a pretty good example last night, huh?"
Dan: "Yeah, I don't know what happened - we were talking to you and you were pretty much fine, and then you disappeared for a while. The next time I saw you, you just burst out of nowhere and were like, 'YEEEEAAAAH!!!!!'"
Me: "I don't know how I got so drunk out of nowhere."
Dan: "Well you had that enormous Wizard Staff..."
Me: "Well it only got to four or something, right?"
Dan: "No, when we shotgunned those beers it was at seven - I mean, you had spilled most of the last two, but still..."
Me: "When did we shotgun beers?!"
Dan: "You know, when you and Jack randomly came up to us and were like, 'Boys, it's time for some shotgunning' and we went outside. It was right after you went up to Joe and joyfully complained of the huge 'problem' we had since we had '56 beers' left."
Me: "..."

So naturally I have no recollection of any of this. As I've gone through the night today, I remember talking to some people I totally forgot were there, and at one point raiding the liquor cabinet in the basement and somehow knocking the entire door off of it. Today I battled through what I can honestly call the worst hangover of my life, which involved much puking and an overactive gag reflex. It peaked on the car ride to my sister's soccer game, when I had to have my dad turn around and drive me home. Before we got there, he had to pull over while I added some more color to someone's flower bed and convulsed with nausea, a full body tingling sensation, and hyperventilation. I think my body sort of went into shock or I had a panic attack.

Anyhow, the day passed miserably, but in the past hour or two I've managed to be a fully functioning member of the household again. Right before writing this email, in fact, I was doing some laundry and changing the sheets on my bed, when I happened to notice that between my bed and the wall was the dried up remains of another expulsion of my stomach contents, which I must have unknowingly deposited in the middle of the night. As I reviewed this, I remembered that my window was completely open when I woke up this morning, and I vaguely remembered sticking my head out and puking into the garden below.

This concludes 24 hours of activity, and surely you all understand why I now am my own hero. I can definitively say that last night was the most drunk I have ever been in my life (even more than the first time I went to Angela's), and it still baffles me as to how I ever got that way. Of course, reviewing the events, it becomes clearer:

+/- 8 beers pre-arrival of my brother
3 shots Jose Cuervo Tequila
7 Wizard Staff level
1 beer unknowingly shotgunned
unknown quantity of alcohol from liquor cabinet

Being a responsible older brother: Priceless.

Needless to say, I've had enough of this complete break with character when under the influence of alcohol, and plan to spend the next few days, weeks, and months repairing any and all damage I've done to my dignity.