Coming soon to a campus newspaper near you:

After two-plus years of reading "Overseas Briefings" in The Middlebury Campus that were only mildly amusing (and even then only on occasion), I decided to pen my own and update the Middlebury masses on my experience in Denmark. What follows is my in-depth analysis on a very important topic, Danish fashion:

Hello! Or, as they say in Denmark, “Hola.”

They do not actually say this in Denmark, but they might as well as far as I’m concerned, because due to the complete inadequacy of my Danish classes and the fact that Danish is an impossible-to-pronounce devil language, I haven’t learned much.

But this is not with what I concern myself now – there are far more important things to write about. Yes, I am talking about Danish fashion. On the whole, Danes are a fashionable lot, owing I think to their universal supermodel good looks and their high disposable incomes (this despite a tax rate over 50% – if only the Obama campaign knew that one of the side effects of socialism was a stylish populace, he could have won even more overwhelmingly). Yes, it seems that nearly everyone is decked out in the latest trends: skinny jeans, baggy jeans, no jeans at all – for a stodgy American, it is absolutely overwhelming.

Danish men are the kind of guys who spend a bit too much time every morning getting their fauxhawks and bed-head just right, and who get their chests waxed on what I would guess is a bi- or tri-weekly basis, which I think is two or three weeks too many. One of the most recognizable styles on many Danish men these days is the ever-popular pants-tucked-into-the-socks look (I’m not kidding). This fashion springs from biker style – tucking pants in one’s socks keeps them from getting tangled in the chain – but actually riding a bike is not a requirement for rocking it. In fact, I would be willing to wager that most of these pant-tuckers rarely actually get onto a bicycle, despite the fact that over a third of people here ride their bikes to work everyday. For a while I laughed at those unfortunate Danes, taken in by something patently ridiculous and beyond their understanding, but then I remembered Pokemon cards.

As far as Danish women go, I’ll say this: of all the exhaustive research I conducted to support my assertions in this article, staring at awkward length at some blond Dane as she passed me on the sidewalk was by far the most enjoyable. So, after weeks of said exhaustive research, here are my findings – and they are pretty radical. The fashion du jour for women in Denmark seems to be being really, really, really attractive. I know it sounds crazy, but for some reason that is all the rage these days. I’m not sure where it could have come from, but these wacky Danish women are just all about being jaw-droppingly, mindblowingly gorgeous. I wonder if this will catch on in the states.

One last fashion that is shared by Danish men and women alike is accessorizing with one of those checkered, vaguely Middle Eastern scarves. Denmark has a short and complicated history with the Muslim world – one that boiled over most memorably with the global riots, flag burning, and embassy fires incited by a Danish newspaper’s 2005 publishing of a series of cartoons featuring the prophet Muhammad. The ubiquity of these scarves seems to be the Danish way of asking for forgiveness. After all, I’ve always said, “Nothing solves international conflict quite like an attractive pattern and a somewhat-insulated neck area.” Or, in Danish, “Ich bin ein Berliner.”