I'm sure (hopeful, at least) that in three months (three weeks?) I will look back on this post and laugh. But in the meantime:
I really hate it here. Hate is probably (definitely) too strong a word, but I can't say I like it. Even though I'm over the hurdles of the first few weeks -- trying not to get lost, figuring out where to buy food, making new friends -- I still feel like I'm not really enjoying myself. I can't say I'm not settled, because I've fallen into somewhat of a routine, but for whatever reason, none of this is making sense with me.
It's not Denmark, really -- although I can now identify both the country's strengths and weaknesses, I don't think that it's the country itself that could be affecting my good time -- and it's not the people -- I'm sure they're all good, fun people that I just need to get to know better. I'm sure it's just me (it always is). I'm just not that excited to be here.
I'm not sure I really understand the whole study abroad thing, in general. It's like, you spend the first two years of college cultivating these great friendships, and then you go and intentionally separate yourselves for a couple months at a time, under the guise of broadening horizons and searching for new experiences. Granted, the following statement should probably be qualified, but as far as I'm concerned, you have the whole rest of your life to be separated from your friends -- why do it now? College is the one time in your life when so many of the people you love can be found in one place. Sure, people argue that the likelihood of traveling when you're older is that much less, or that college ultimately is about challenges and finding oneself, but I don't buy it. I think that if travel and self-exploration is really that important, we'll all find a way to do it at some point or another. In the meantime, why put ourselves through the misery of leaving our friends during the one time that we're all together? What are the chances that we all will live anywhere near any of our closest friends 5, 10, 25 years after college? With that somewhat predetermined (though not fated) separation in mind, why sacrifice time spent together now with a couple thousand miles of water and foreign soil?
Looking back on the lead up to this trip, I could have expected this. I never really felt like I got excited to go. All spring and summer, I was pretty lukewarm on the whole thing, and by the end of the summer, I really had no desire to leave. In the days leading up to departure, sure, I got more excited, but I think that that happens anytime one embarks on something different. My heart was never really in this, I'm afraid, and worse, in order to compensate for my ambivalence about the whole thing, I just built up my expectations more and more. People had told me that this would be the time of my life -- that it is "soooo fun" -- so naturally I told myself that, "Yes, you might not be excited now, but it will be awesome once you get over there." I countered my lack of enthusiasm with unrealistic expectations that have made the reality of the situation that much harder to deal with. And now, that's the mindset I have continued, to a certain extent: "I'm sure in a couple more weeks you'll be having the time of your life." In the meantime, I'm not.
As I've slowly become more and more aware of my unhappiness over here, I've tried to look for solutions whenever possible. I've kept thinking about the cheesy "Study Abroad Adjustment" graph that Middlebury provides, showing the ups and downs of one's time abroad, but I wonder, do I fit into that graph? Will I ever follow the logical progression of things and climb back up the graph to the level of "acceptance abroad?" I don't know, and only time will tell.
In the meantime, I've got to stay positive, and accept this feeling more as the result of an unsatisfying Friday night than as the overarching theme of my time abroad. I'm still holding out for the great times that were promised me in only a few more weeks time, and I know that to find them, I'll have to be proactive and keep an open mind. For my own mental health and for those undoubtedly worrying about me at home, I just have to stay positive, be active, and enjoy myself. In the meantime, only 90 more days until I fly home...
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