Apocalypse, NOW:

My friends, it is about time that I finally broke my silence on this important issue. Like numerous others even more insignificant than I, I feel that it is time for me to join the quasi-politically-informed hordes and add my voice to the millions of others already out there: America is biting the big one.

As I'm sure everyone knows by now, the economy is dying, American "prestige" -- if it ever existed -- is faltering, and Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin requires no verb; I think you all know what I mean. Quite frankly, the world as we know it is coming to an end. And I can say/write that without being melodramatic, because it's the truth. In a couple of days, the world has changed, and in a couple days, months, and years more, it's going to be quite different from the way it is today, the way it was yesterday, and the way it was all those days before that. Lately, I've been following the news with an even more ravenous appetite than usual. I've mentally devoured every iota of text, video, or spouted opinion put in front of me, all in an attempt to achieve some level of understanding of this whole crisis. All that, and I haven't read nearly as much as Sarah Palin.

Welp, after days of research, here is my conclusion: America is biting the big one (and we deserve it). I don't think I really needed to do any research to formalize either of those conclusions, but the additional information has been helpful. I think we all have reached conclusions similar to these in the past few days, but obviously, the real questions concern what exactly will happen now that we know the sorry state of the land of the free.

So far, I've watched this whole crisis with a mix of euphoria, terror, and complete fascination. Some more cliche bloggers might describe the debacle like "watching a car crash in slow motion." I, however, choose to be more creative (and employ not-so-subtle economic imagery). For me, this whole thing is like standing near the front of the running of the bulls, looking sharp in your white outfit and red kerchief, and watching the bulls come on with awesome power, trampling and goring everything in their path. You know that eventually, the bulls will get to you, too, and you'll have to hightail it over a flimsy wooden fence or say hello to a horn to the kidney, but in the meantime, it's just really fascinating, watching the bulls run wild through the rest of the unfortunate masses. In this case, though, the bulls are getting closer and closer, when all of a sudden, they all go bankrupt and die. Then, lots of bears come out and defecate on all the bulls. Also, underneath all the bulls is the middle class, and the investment bankers are above them, riding on the bears. Except sometimes one of them falls off, and then he's no better than any of the other people, covered in shit with all the dead, bankrupt bulls. But finally, the government comes (which in this case will be represented by an elephant), and it sprays lots of money onto all the bears, so they're good, but then it takes an enormous elephant-sized dump on the middle class. And if there are two things we know about elephants, they are this: 1) they never forget, and 2) they take really monster dumps. So now, we're all left with bull carcasses, a few rogue bears, lots of people covered in a variety of animal fecal matter, and an analogy that is getting absurd.

EXCEPT, REALITY IS EVEN MORE ABSURD THAN MY ANALOGY.

So that's where we stand. Ankle deep in elephant feces and hopes and dreams.

Now I'm not sure whether my analogy made it clear, but I'm not a big fan of the whole "bailout." In fact, I'm about as big a fan of the bailout as I am of Sarah Palin, and we've covered that already.

I've always liked a little anarchy, and in this whole situation, there's a big part of me just silently cheering, "burn, baby, burn." At least until it affects me and my family (as it inevitably will), I'm quite enjoying watching this flaming port-a-potty of a nation come falling to the ground. The past eight years (and the fifty or so before that, as far as I'm concerned) have been one big mistake. I honestly believe that in the past fifty-eight years, more harm than good came out of the United States. Sure, we had the civil rights movement, medical advances, and countless other American Achievements that history books like to glorify, but we've also had global warming, the Cold War and its assorted baggage, and Sarah Palin.

It's honestly a wonder that this hasn't happened already. Nearly every single one of our policies over the past decade has been patently absurd. And I'm not even just referring to government policy -- as a nation, we've gotten absurd. We're all wearing Crocs and watching "celebreality" for God's sake. Is it really that astonishing that after years of depravity propped up by cheap oil and a mediocre government, we're hit with some serious consequences?

The way I see it, this recession (or full-blown, capital "D" Depression, if we're lucky!) is both necessary and essential. It's healthy. Right now, the United States is on a bad mid-morning talk show, and it's time for an intervention. If the government passes the bailout (as it inevitably will, and probably -- though I continue to disagree with it -- should), we're just prolonging this national period of mediocrity with which we've grown so familiar. Instead, I think we should screw Wall Street -- competition makes businesses stronger, right? -- and let economic forces sort out that whole mess. I understand the importance of investment, and the need for banks to still feel confident providing credit, but if we don't let this collapse happen now, our economy will be weaker for it.

I think we need to accept the pain that will define the next few years of our nation, because as those executives on Wall Street probably used to say on their Pop Warner football teams when they were younger, "Anything that doesn't kill you only makes you stronger." So in the meantime, join me and watch the fireworks. In the past few months, we've seen hurricanes obliterate entire cities (again), banks failing, gas stations running out of gas, the Dow Jones looking like it had (and inducing, probably) a heart attack, and Sarah Palin. This crazy, dreamworld apocalypse scenario is actually real. It's unbelievable, and it's unbelievably entertaining.

I apologize to those who hoped that this post would contain logical thought (I was one of them, at one point), but is it really possible to make sense of a situation this absurd? I don't think anyone knows what to make of any of this. We're looking at a $700 billion bailout because the responsible people in government decided to "choose a really large number." That's all we can come up with now? Is there any sound judgment left in this world? I certainly haven't provided any.

To craft another odd, only vaguely relevant analogy:

For me, specifically, the economic decline is like riding a skateboard down a really steep hill. It's really fun and exciting, and you're getting going pretty fast -- "oh boy, that's really fast" -- "man, this is a steep hill..." -- "oh shit, I'm fucking flying right now" -- when your feet start to shake and it's clear that if this hill doesn't bottom out soon, you're going to be wiped all over the pavement. At the moment, I'm safe -- I'm somewhat insulated from the economic shitshow that is our economy -- but I'm just one rogue pebble or sand patch away from an ambulance ride and a body cast.

Oh, and if you want to see a really cool video of people riding skateboards down steep hills, check this out. (There will always be a viral video for our problems. Always. Except Sarah Palin. Unless "viral video" is an actual virus that Sarah Palin clicks, thinking it's a clip of the 5 Funniest Moose Hunting Moments, and it jumps out and eats her face. Then, there will always be a viral video for our problems.)