Current events:

I am currently in the process of trying to get a column in the school paper, The Middlebury Campus, next semester. My column springs forth from my almost compulsive reading of CNN.com and other news sites. During my hourly perusals, I frequently encounter articles so absurd that I begin to doubt the viability of the news media and humanity in general. In my column, I plan to lambaste these articles and the broader social issues they reflect, using my signature heavy doses of sarcasm and offensiveness.

Here are the two sample columns I wrote for my application:

Baby “Bubba” gets a gun permit – www.CNN.com

We’re all familiar with fanatical parents who drive their kids to succeed beyond all reason and who use their children’s apparent talents as a pathway to fame and fortune. They are frequently present at sports games, talent shows, and beauty pageants nationwide. I couldn’t imagine a shot at fame more demeaning than making a four-year-old prance around a stage with coifed hair, a two-piece bathing suit, and a fake smile, but unfortunately, I was sadly mistaken. As I checked CNN.com for perhaps the fourth time today, a front-page headline on the “U.S.” section of the site caught my eye (How could it not? It was the only article with a picture.): “Baby ‘Bubba’ gets a gun permit” – above it was a charming picture of little Bubba and his grinning father.

A brief excerpt of the article was listed underneath the aforementioned photograph, which read, “‘Bubba’ Ludwig can't walk, talk or open the refrigerator door -- but he does have his very own Illinois gun permit.” How charming. I was pretty sure that this was more or less the entirety of the story – I didn’t find background information all that important, and the story sure didn’t seem to be going anywhere – but there it was, that “Full Story” button tempting me under the article, screaming, “But wait, there’s more!” like some Sunday morning infomercial. I couldn’t resist not finding out what else this sure-Pulitzer-Winner of an article had to offer.

The article basically progressed as expected: Baby – Baby gets gun – Baby is headline news. However, there were a few points that I feel are worth mentioning. First of all, in order to verify the authenticity of this “story” and help us all get a handle on this alarming news, a State Police officer was interviewed, who leaked to the reporter that no, a 10-month-old does not need a gun license, but there are no rules against it. If this kind of investigating isn’t integrity in journalism, I don’t know what is. Despite the surrealism of this whole situation, perhaps the most absurd (and appalling) factoid was revealed in the last sentence or two. This whole fiasco is really the result of Bubba’s caring grandfather buying Bubba a “12-gauge Beretta shotgun” as a gift.
Now I’m not sure of Bubba’s family situation, but unless they’re either a) living on the Alaskan tundra and feasting on caribou or b) residents of a crime-infested crack house, I don’t see little Bubba really needing this gift for, say, another two years minimum.
Although pretty much anyone within 200 figurative miles of this story is a pitiful human being, my first target is Bubba’s father, who looks to profit greatly from Bubba’s national speaking tour, seeing as how Bubba himself has yet to utter his first word. The photo that accompanies the article shows a grinning dad holding little Bubba in all his 10-month-old glory. Unlike most baby pictures, Bubba makes perfect eye contact with the camera; unfortunately, the same can’t be said for his father, who glances off to the side with a look that says he knows he’s getting away with something. I don’t realistically expect Bubba’s dad to profit greatly from this escapade – I don’t see any book deals in the works – but the fact that his father is using him to experience his own fifteen minutes of fame is undeniable.
Also at fault here are the souls behind CNN.com who decided that this story was worth our time. Who in their right mind sees this story and feels inclined to give it priority over any story other than a report on the activity in the monkey cage at the zoo? There are people starving in this world, as I recall. Either the people over at CNN are tackier than the rest of us, or they’ve got us pegged. Guaranteed, they knew someone would read this story and love it, which brings me to my next point.
This trash is presented as a human-interest story, with the publishers thinking along the lines of many Americans, that babies and cuteness sell. What people seem to neglect in this story, however, is that added into this baby-plus-cuteness equation is something less dreamy: firearms. How is it that people can overlook the terrifying reality that there are grandfathers out there who buy their baby grandchildren deadly weapons? How is this considered “cute”? I know that one of our most cherished national rights is the right to bear arms, but am I alone in thinking that that right probably needn’t apply to those who defecate in their pants on a daily basis? To think that supposedly responsible adults are putting instruments of death into the hands of children is disturbing, and I challenge anyone to convince me that any good could come of it.
Complaints aside, when this mess is forgotten by the general public (T-minus 13 minutes and counting), maybe Baby Bubba will grow up someday to be a well-adjusted and responsible adult. Maybe the fact that his guardians seek cheap thrills and that he’ll probably (okay, definitely) hold a gun before his sixth birthday won’t matter. In fact, maybe one day he’ll bring a little bundle of joy of his own down to the state offices and register him for a gun license. What a story that will be!

AND

Deaf beauty queen hit by train was texting - www.MSNBC.com

When I first saw this article I couldn’t believe it. The headline looked like a sentence made up on one of those magnet sets people have on their refrigerators. Deaf beauty queen? Hit by train? Is this some sort of sick joke? Naturally, I read on.
Shockingly, it went as described. Miss Deaf Texas had been walking along railroad tracks sending a text message to her family before she was hit and killed by a train. Because she didn’t hear it coming. Because she was deaf. This seems like some awful scenario dreamed up by the writers of bad television.
In the article is this marvelous generalization by Gene Mirus, an instructor in the deaf studies department at Gallaudet University in Washington: “Deaf people often have a false sense of security when walking along train tracks.” This is presented as if deaf people often walk along train tracks and are often killed by oncoming trains – as if all deaf people call over their deaf friends (in sign language, of course) and say “Hey, want to go walk on the train tracks? We’ll be completely safe! Gee-wiz!” (Note: I do not know if an American Sign Language sign for “gee-wiz” exists, but I imagine it would require a lot of arm-waving and head-bobbing.)
(Another note: I myself have a hearing loss in my left ear and wear a hearing aid, which I tell myself gives me the right to poke fun at being deaf.) (It probably doesn’t, and I’m probably going to Hell.)
This article gives me a lot to talk about, so let’s start from the beginning. The tragic hero in this whole situation is the victim, Miss Deaf Texas. I feel that this moniker is incredibly intriguing, for the simple fact that if there is a Miss Deaf Texas, there must be “Miss Deaf Blanks” is every other state in the nation. As the article later reveals, there is indeed a national competition to crown Miss Deaf USA.
I know that pageants are popular in other parts of the country, but doesn’t it seem like this is going a bit far? Who was it that one day had the great idea, “I know what we can do to make deaf girls feel normal: parade them onstage and make them feel just as self-conscious as every other pageant participant!” I can’t really even imagine how a Miss Deaf pageant would work, since the deaf problem rules out any singing and dancing, which leaves only unicycling and fire eating, if I remember correctly.
All kidding aside, I’m all for greater equality for everyone, and it is specifically for this reason that I don’t think that the way to actively engage those with disabilities in regular society is through putting them in pageants. Especially not disability-specific pageants. If there is a Miss Deaf Texas, is it correct to assume that there is a Miss Amputee Oklahoma or a Miss Quadriplegic Alabama as well? The creation of these specialty pageants results in nothing more than a freak show – and not so subtly implies that their contestants aren’t capable of participating in pageants for “regular” girls.
What is to prevent Miss Deaf Texas from participating in a regular pageant? She has no obvious physical deformity and is by all accounts a very talented and attractive young woman. Is it too much to ask that pageants adapt enough that sign language translators could be used in the question and answer session? To create specific pageants for disabled participants amounts to nothing more than segregation.
Another issue in this situation is the tabloidization of the modern news media. This story appeared on MSNBC.com, what some would consider a reputable news source. In my mind, the duty of all serious news organizations is to provide a necessary public service: to distribute important information. In this instance, however, I fail to see how this information is necessary to anyone besides the members of the girl’s grieving family. This is a news organization using a human life for entertainment purposes – turning an extraordinary situation into nothing better than some tabloid headline about aliens that abducted Monica Lewinsky, who had recently married Bigfoot.
If the news organizations were to imply that this is an important story, then one would assume that someone needs to know about this situation. Did the kind people at MSNBC.com merely wish to pass on to all the mothers and fathers of deaf children in America the warning: “Don’t let your deaf children walk on train tracks; they won’t hear the trains and they’ll get killed”? If that is the case and they were just looking out for all the deaf children in America, then I apologize, MSNBC.com. You were doing America a great service.
But in the more likely scenario that MSNBC.com used this story because they knew it was guaranteed to become a media sensation, then this is deplorable. Publishing this story does nothing other than make public a very private, yet extraordinary situation. If the basic reporting of Miss Deaf Texas’ death was not enough, the reporter had enough good sense to throw in the loaded statement that she was killed because she was “texting.” Why is this loaded, you might wonder? Because it is very obvious that if she had a cell phone, a deaf beauty queen certainly wouldn’t be speaking into it.
In conclusion, my message to the people behind Miss Deaf Texas and other pageants: open your eyes, and treat those with disabilities just like anyone else. And a special one for the lovely folks at MSNBC.com: either provide a public service and remain relevant, or resign yourself to the grocery checkout aisle.

Currently, my column is under consideration, but they've asked me to consider changing my content a little, for fear of offending the upstanding readers of The Middlebury Campus. They thought that some of my comments might be considered insensitive. You be the judge.